Clémence - "too skinny"

"I’ve always been fine: a good metabolism and lots of sport when I was younger. I don’t store calories, that’s the way it is. As a child, I didn’t really care about what people would say about me. And then comes high school. The body changes, we’re defining who we are, who we want to be and other’s view become suddenly super important. I weighed 50 kg.

I think other girls were just jealous. They didn’t really realize the impact of what they were saying on me. With all those mockeries and bad jokes about my hypothetical anorexia and because I didn’t really know who I was, I feel the need to match the image they have of me. 

At the same time I get sick. I cough a lot and I have trouble sleeping. 6 months later we’ll find out that it’s whooping cough. In a few months I lose 5 kg and so weigh less that 45 kg. People think it’s because of my “mysterious disease”. I get back on my feet alone, I don’t really realize what I just did to myself. I gain 3 kg in a year but refuse to do more. I pass my high school diploma and enter college. 

2 years later, change of direction. I don’t like what I’m studying so I decide to start all over again, in computer science. First year is rough, especially because I try to skip a grade. Stress, fear of failure, I give everything I’ve got but I’m not sure I’m gonna make it. I feel like I’m losing control on my life and take revenge on my body. I starved myself again. My old demons are back and I lose 5 kg again. I weigh less than 43 kg for 1m62. 

That’s my class partner who got me out of this. He saw me slim down and worried. My gain of weight becomes its main mission. He made me eat and became the rock I needed to let things go. I gain 5 kg in a year. 

Today I fluctuate between 48 and 49 kg. I’ve been steady for 2 years. Sometimes when I’m sad I want to do it again but I know it’s not the solution. I talk to my friends who know instead. They help me go through the hardest times. The trick is to never stay alone."

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