Alexia - "never satisfied"

"I never had a valid reason to suffer from my body.

My body was never persecuted by hurtful words. 

Yet, my mind reduced it to slavery, imposed it this carnage.

If body changes due to puberty might be painful for a teenage girl, I find out a way not to face it at the age of 11. That’s the way I developed my mental anorexia that, in addition to overwelhming my mind, took possession of my body.

Weight tumbles down, my growth stops, my cells in my body freeze.
Time goes by. My thoughts sharpens.
But my body is still doomed to be wrapped with a thin layer of flesh.

I reduced to adult thoughts in a young girl body. 

And through all these years the insistent and accusing looks remain. These curious passer-by stare at me like I’m a caged beast. Everyday, I’m lighter. My skeleton weight takes root. And the wide open eyes keep staring at me from the bottom to the top like I’m nothing but a scraggy body. And I try to walk on my two legs, devoid of flesh, head always down. 

Today, I’m 18. I still weigh the same as six years ago. I don’t have breasts. I don’t have hips. My cheeks are hollow. A freeway separates my two thighs. My skin is grey. I’m loosing my hair. My nails break. And these are only the visible and external signs. I don’t talk about the dietary deficiency, about my organs wrecked by undernourishment. 

I made a mistake 6 years ago. I was afraid to face the life ahead.

Willing to protect my childhood lightness, I deprived myself of the teenage frivolity.

My thinness has misshapened my body, transformed my face but one thing was protected from all this bullying: my eyes. Squirrel golden nuggets that are the only legacy from my passed father.

I don’t droop from mean gaze of people passing by and their silent judgement anymore. I finally dare to raise my little nose and settle my eyes in theirs to stop the inside whisperings. To shut down the inner harrowing screams telling me I scare them. 

I am Alexia, well before being anorexic. 

If this body still hurts me, I’m not afraid to undress it anymore because to stop abusing it, wounding it and I finally want to face the future."

Version française

 

"W stands for" - The Video